a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
