i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
