Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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