my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
