Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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