When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
