I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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