I met the friendliest cop last night
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
