dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
