get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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