I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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