Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
