he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
