sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He shit in the fireplace
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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