i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
