i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize