I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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