i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
