Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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