and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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