i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
