i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just threw up on my dentist
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
