my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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