Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
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