I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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