I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
