we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
