pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
