I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
