Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize