I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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