Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
