i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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