I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone came in the potted fern
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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