Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
