I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have feelings that need drinking.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
