I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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