Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
