mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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