You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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