my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
