Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
