He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Your cock deserves a montage
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
