i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize