My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
