Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
50% drunk capacity currently
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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