I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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