when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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