the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize