everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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