Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
