On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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