Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I need to sanitize my soul.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
