Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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