he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
