my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
