I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hippo gnu deer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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