I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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