Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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