I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
