I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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