theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
