i think my tv is drunk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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