i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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