fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
