So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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