i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize